Experiencing Domestic Violence
You start to look at what kinds of mental “tools” you possess to make a change to develop a new mind set ( set of new positive beliefs) that helps you to attract / keep your partner and helps you to extinguish the impulses towards domestic violence.
What do I mean with mental tools?
I mean understanding how the mind works, understanding how beliefs are formed, how to use logic to educate your inner-child, how to reduce the effects of irrational fears, how to extinguish the impulses of aggression which lead to domestic violence, how to produce your own inner-love, how to release the good force within you, and so on.
Most people have only a vague idea what types of mental tools they possess.
Many people ask friends for advice to obtain some helpful mental tools, other people read books to enlighten themselves. Most of these methods rely on trial and error and often this trial and error approach is not safe, not constructive, and not long lasting, moreover, it could be even very dangerous, bringing to mind the gruesome murder of John Price in Aberdeen, 2001.
A constructive way to obtain mental tools is through counselling. However, counselling is for many people as unfavourable as it is for a raven to wear a white shirt. Consequently, they are closed to change and many excuses travel over lips of the denier, such as “counselling is too expensive; it is too embarrassing; counselling is for wimps; it is better the devil you know, then to pay money…. “ and so on.
If you are a victim of domestic violence: please click here
“Never hit a woman- Never”
I am saying this, as there are NO excuses to do so. However, in several situations of my life, I was so provoked, so ridiculed, so betrayed, so offended, that I was so enraged that I nearly used my aggression, but fortunately, I never did. May be it is a male response, may be it is a human response to emotional pain; nevertheless, it is important to have the emotions under control, especially in difficult situations.
If you are experiencing a great urge to hurt someone (or yourself), then listen to this faint, small inner-voice which tells you “ Don’t do it. Don’t hurt anyone, don’t hurt yourself”
Your logic ( inner-voice) tries to protect you from disaster.
Praise yourself for backing off from an unnecessary fight..
Never get even !!! Don’t use revenge !!
Use your logic to have control over your badly programmed subconscious, which creates scary illusions and fantasies. Don’t take the bait, if someone desires to provokes you.
Remove yourself from the urge to retaliate. Remove yourself from the source of aggression. You are NOT a coward !!!!
Walk away, go for a long ( ca. 20 kilometre) walk ( or do other exhausting exercise), away from people. When you have returned, wait three hours, and then go for another long walk to clear your head of destructive thoughts. Repeat this, until your anger subsides.
While you go on a long walk or other exhausting exercise, you can say these words to yourself: “ I will not listen to my aggression. I will not harm myself & her,- I will exchange my aggression with love” Repeat these words over and over again.
Also call Lifeline 13 11 14 ( for Australia) and / or make an appointment.
Make a commitment to bring out the good force within you – Develop a New YOU
Most aggression come from fear. Some aggression come from a deliberate attempt to gain control over a person, as often observed with psychopaths / sociopaths. As we are adults, we can change the painful effects of the childhood.
Let’s get started:
Disclaimer My Step by Step program is designed to use as a guide only. I have taken all reasonable care to ensure that the information within it is accurate, Venturing outside your comfort zone can be a learning curve, which can be filled with new sensations, new fears, new excitements and also new risks, thus I accept no responsibility over what might occur. You use this guide at your own risk.
For the exercise :
Take pen and paper and start making notes as you go along on how you think and feel.
Take a photo from the woman who gave you your pain.
Look at it. Observe how your anger rises to the surface. Write down what you feel, and what you want to do- in your imagination. Write it down.
You might notice that your anger pushes up your heart rate that it nearly jumps out of your throat. Consequently, if you are suffering from a heart condition, you must avoid getting angry. Anger increases the Cortisol production within the body, which connects to Adrenalin, and this cocktail can has a damaging effect on our health. Therefore, make a deliberate attempt to avoid getting really angry. However, it is also important NOT to squash down your anger. Your anger has to come out safely and constructively- such as go for a long walk. If it is difficult for you to stay calm and your mind is racing with thoughts of revenge, then I recommend you make an appointment – as soon as possible- for a counselling session.
As you continuously look at the photo of ‘your’ woman, allow your thoughts and anger to come out. Vent them out by writing them down.
Write and write and write your thoughts down again and again.
Write down your thoughts of anger and revenge until you are sick and tired of writing them down. When your inner-voice say,” I am sick and tired of writing these thoughts down”, you start to have control over your anger as your rational mind (logic) is talking to you.
Ask yourself then “ Why am I sick and tired of spending my time writing down my angry thoughts?”
Write down you answer, and analyse it. Does your answer comes from anger or from your logic?
You can do the same exercise while you walk. Instead of writing your words down, talk to yourself (preferably when no one is around). Talk to yourself over many kilometres; talk and talk and talk, until you are exhausted talking (sick and tired ) answering your own questions over and over again.
When your anger flares up again, repeat the process of writing or walking. Eventually, you will write less and less.
While you are doing your exercise, it is very likely that you write down or tell yourself all kinds of notions for revenge you are going to do. Let your mind wander into a world of imagination, but don’t do ANYTHING stupid about the revenge.
The Chinese proverb says” If you want to make revenge, dig two graves”.
Remember, the subconscious plays tricks on the mind. The actions of your partner, provoke painful childhood memories. The reason that you are angry as an adult probably comes from your inability as a young child to speak up, complain, escape the unfair, painful treatment you experienced during your childhood.
The greater the childhood pain, the greater the present-day anger.
As you read my words, you have become aware that you have now constructive choices to vent your anger safely. This awareness is very important, because you realise that your logic is in charge over your anger and possible destructive actions.
That means, the more knowledge you have about your awareness, the more in control you become, the more your good inner-force can come out and the more you can repair emotional damage of the childhood.
So, you look at the photo of your woman, and your anger is still there.
But now, you have a opportunity to grow emotionally. You can view it this way that your woman was the catalyst for you to change yourself, for you to turn her photo over, walk away from anger, and develop a new YOU.
You look at the photo of your woman, and may be tears run down your cheeks.
Feel the pain, feel the loss of love you once had, feel the rejection. Write it down. Let your emotions out.
Allow yourself to heal. Healing takes time. While you are alone, you can heal and get to know yourself better. Get to know your fears and other angers you have. You can either get to know yourself alone or you can invest in your future by seeking counselling.
It is important that you start to develop your own love within yourself and not search for love exclusively within women. You will give women too much power over your life.
Over the years, become more and more emotionally independent and also sexually independent. Don’t see the reception of sex as a barometer on how loving you are. Sex is sex, however for intimate sex to occur, the man and woman need to open up their souls to each other. Thus, good communication is the essential key.
Can you open up to a woman? Is it safe for you?
My opinion about women I developed over my life as a man:
Be attentive and try not to fight women. They are too emotionally strong. Evolution designed them as being superior to men. Their brains is connected differently then the man’s brain- their two brain halves are connected, which gives them superior computing power ( women’s intuition); their fore-lobe region ( thinking region) of the brain is bigger than of the man’s brain. Their have better support groups in times of crises. Their sex-drive is internal and external in men, i.e. women don’t need to have sex as often as men. Women can show off their sexuality to attract most men; and so on. I learned to accept it.
Be attentive to women. Go along with the power of women. Don’t fight her physically. Be supportive.
Become as emotional independent as possible. Don’t search for love within a woman, but find the love,- do you see the difference? Searching can make you dependent and desperate.
My thoughts about aggressive men:
Often they are underdeveloped in their own self-image and misinformed about their true potential. Most aggressive men are frightened and under mental stress.
In the subconscious, the aggressive man wants to retaliate against the bad things, e.g. parents have done to him as a way of protection against the aggressor from his childhood.
Back then, the little boy could not change his childhood, but an adult man can change his negative beliefs and environment. If you feel overwhelmed by anger, then walk away,- drop everything and leave ( or run). Don’t worry what your partner might think. She will never think that you a coward.
Therefore, be aware that the subconscious can play tricks on us all.
If you are single (not in an intimate relationship), I recommend that you continue reading.
Make it a deliberate habit to handle the impulses of aggression.
Don’t go into a Lion’s den, that means, don’t enter into an environment or situation where you could become provoked into aggression. Just stay away. Know yourself. Know your mental triggers and what they can do to you. Gradually, get rid off these mental triggers – not through a destructive trial and error,but through counselling.
If you are a victim of domestic violence
The basic reason that people form a relationship is to feel love; to give and receive love.
When we look in more details within a successful, happy relationship and analyse exactly what does it actually mean: to love
We recognise a flow of loving actions from the morning they wake up to the evening when they say Goodnight to each other. The flow of love must flow continuously without any emotional obstacles. Sadly, this does not happen often as people have emotional difficulties, and that causes fear and fear kills love.
When we look at the partner’s actions and words, we see a pattern emerging and we can ask ourselves questions:
How does the partner make me feel?
Are the actions and words towards me made from love or malice?
Are my actions and words towards her made from love?
When you realise that the actions and words of your partner are made from malice, then, most likely these actions and words are a deliberate attempt to gain control over you. The more control the partner has over you, the less she needs to face her own inner-fears.
When you realise that your partner wants to control you, what choices do you have?
— You can move to the next town in secrecy.
— You can address the issue with your partner and see how she reacts. Is she afraid of losing her power by getting more angry at you, or does she show compassion for your fears? Observe.
— You can prepare yourself that your relationship is doomed, most likely over. May be you entertain the thought that you are lucky to got away with a black eye only ( figuratively speaking)
— You can stay. If you stay, and there is malice in the relationship, prepare yourself to become damaged, ruined, and even killed.
If you are unsure, read about Aberdeen murder Partners from Hell and / or Personal Conduct Disorders .
When you feel threatened and a partner said threatening words to you, take them very seriously. I recommend you do not to prove to anyone how brave you are by staying with a damaged person.
It is better to be a temporary coward but alive, than to be a very dead hero.
Most importantly, in times of crises, seek quality help with a counsellor. It costs money, but it is a little price to pay in comparison to the long-term damage.